Women — Self-Named. Self-Defined. Self-Appraised.
A woman’s worth, more often than not, is set outside of herself. Depending on the culture, the religion, the family, the status — a girl might be spoiled or sold. A princess may be celebrated, but never an heir. In cases where a newborn daughter is “a disappointment” her strengths might be nurtured as a means of contribution in the form of burden-sharing and caretaking; strength in sport, mental dexterity, strength of spirit… not so much. Her beauty and charm are not to be discovered for her own delights, but as currency. The value of a girl’s life has most often been defined by whom she was born to, who she will marry and if she will bear children. The worth of her existence has been tied more to who cares for her, than to who or what she cares for.
Women’s History Month has ushered in the typical fanfare associated with affinity celebrations. The spotlight shines on women, current day and throughout history, who have broken barriers, infiltrated sexist spaces and dished out indisputable excellence is ways that, inch by inch, chip away at the opportunity gaps embedded into systems of patriarchy at the core of societies across the globe. The firsts, the brave, the audacious, the stubborn, the undaunted, the victorious, the GOATS of girl power! Converse to the uplifting feminine energy and acknowledgment of progress, we also sit in reflection of the odds so deftly stacked against girls. When we layer the universal, secondary disposition of womanhood with the webbed confines of racism, religion, poverty, colorism and cultural expectations of servitude, it’s stunning to imagine just how thick the glass ceiling really is.
Feminism, for me, is giving room for women to name, define and appraise themselves. Without judgment of what any other woman chooses for herself. Without the constraints of what any man would hope to choose for me. The acknowledgment that we are at minimum equal, while working towards a system that is truly equitable. And, in it’s ideal form, a social consciousness that releases the concept of measuring women by race, class, education, access, a seriously narrow and dangerous standard of beauty, intelligence, value and worth. A limitless field of female free will.
The shift starts with releasing our implicit bias and suspending our judgement. By lifting all women in their truth and accept their choices regardless of how those choices align to our own. Let women live. Let women be. Mothers or not. Wives or not. CEO or cashier. Polished or coarse. Stay at home or Gypsy. All in between; it’s our choice. Ambitious. Irreverent. Natural. Laced. Poor. Loyal. Loud. Vulnerable. It’s who we are. Each gorgeous and gifted. To look at any woman without knowing her story and to assign how much respect or reimbursement she deserves, to casually determine how much love she deserves, is a tragic mistake.
Just last week in another U.S. domestic terrorist attack, a 21 year old white male allegedly shot and killed six women and two men at three Georgia spas. Hate crimes against Asian-Americans have spiked in recent months facing a dramatic increase in violence during the coronavirus pandemic. As COVID-19 continued to spread, so did racist attacks against Asian Americans, with fears increasing every time the former President used terms linking “Chinese” to a virus that spread across the world, closed entire cities, and caused hardship and hysteria. The shooter told investigators he had a “sex addiction” and viewed the spas as a temptation he wanted to eliminate. The female victims were of Asian descent and there is a perception about the type of work being done at their places of business. Hypersexual stereotypes often fetishize Asian women as exotic and submissive. A woman’s worth. How does the social value of these women based on gender, occupation and race impact this act of terrorism?
In the mid-day of the feminist movement you’d think we’re turning the tide. You bought a My VP Looks Like Me shirt, right? The Me Too Movement is pushing accountability for years of misogyny and perversion, women founded the Black Lives Matter groundswell, Stacey Abrams and a badass network of women on a mission painted Georgia blue. With women running businesses, nonprofits organizations, boardrooms, research teams, universities and governments; with women running the play in every way… we are still allowing our value to be bestowed upon us and the carrot is always moving. Each rung climbed brings only a short sigh of satisfaction before the questioning of worthiness begins. Soon we are reminded that we have not done enough, just yet, to hit peak value and the biological clock is always ticking in the background. When in fact we are all individually and uniquely beyond value, and often ahead of our time.
Sometimes the questions are external and explicit. “Congrats on your promotion, but how will you find time to date? Single doesn’t read well for aspiring partners. No rush of kids though.” “The wedding was beautiful. We can’t wait for babies!” “Better hurry up and have another, it’s best if they’re close!” “Have you thought about going back to work, you haven’t seemed like yourself lately.” These microaggressions and flagrant offensives especially taxing for those still exploring and questioning, those struggling, for those faking it.
Sometimes the questions are whispered in our thoughts. What are the qualifications for being a Black girl who rocks? Must I sprinkle my magic everywhere I go, or am I allowed to autonomously wield my sorcery? What if I’m not ready (even though you are supremely capable, prepared and leaps and bounds beyond the mediocrity that preceded you)? What if I’m too young (even though everyone around you is older, but surely no wiser)? What if it’s too late (even though you tell everyone around you to believe in themselves and have literally dedicated your whole life to helping others achieve their dreams)? What if my career is the most important thing right now? Is there room for my voice? What if I don’t want kids? What will my friends think? What will my family think? What if I don’t have “it all”? What if my idea of having it all, is all wrong?
Women deserve release from the binding, boxed-in, hypocritical expectations of our titles and roles. Self-determined. Fairly paid. Recognized as equal. We deserve to be seen and credited. To live as we decide in the world, and in our own bodies. Feminism, for me, is giving room for women to name, define and appraise themselves. “If I didn’t define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people’s fantasies for me and eaten alive.” Audre Lorde
